I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize