So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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