i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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