Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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