i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
