A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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