Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize