mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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