He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
