I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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