So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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