maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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