My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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