Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
