so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
