Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
