I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
