I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
