you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
