Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What drink are we having for lunch?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
