So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
did i walk over a car last night?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
