im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
