Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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