Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
