Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
