Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
