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if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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