if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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