Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
