I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im six kinds of drunk right now
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
