I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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