I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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