Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am spending my child support on dildos
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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