my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
