highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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