you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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