I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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