but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
