When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
