i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
