two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
