well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
