Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You had me at "let me see your balls"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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