I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
