why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
