; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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