If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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