remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
