I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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