so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
