just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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