cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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