You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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