She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
