1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I cockslap morals
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
