can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
