I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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