Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
