I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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