I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
