Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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